In this blog post, I want to explain more on WHY I LEFT as everything I described up until now (in this series) was amazingly NOT THE BREAKING POINT for me. The human mind is a powerful computer however NEEDS DATA to perform at optimum levels. My “computer” simply didn’t have enough information to decide for myself if the organization was at fault, or not. I actually STILL REMAINED FAITHFUL! HERE ARE SOME OF THE LABYBRINTH OF EXPERIENCES THAT LEAD ME TO BELIEVE I COULD NEVER PROSPER under such subjugation.
The most appealing aspect of N.O.I culture, for the sisters , is M.G.T class. This is a magical time on Saturday morning when the sisters don themselves in typical Muslim dress and meet in the fabled sisters class. It was a time that was enchanted with beautiful hues of navy blue (my favorite color) and pearls. We would stand in rows to be inspected by official’s (hair, nails, condition of uniforms). We were surveyed constantly for “defects”. Rarely did anyone ask “how are you?” No…your feelings were rarely sought. Over the years I actually found the class (which boasted the SAME EXACT CURRICULUM FROM WHEN ELIJAH MUHAMMAD WAS ALIVE) as a way to make acceptable wives, PRIMARILY. The problem with that is the brothers didn’t seem to be marrying the sisters much. This caused dissention and envy amongst the sisterhood. This, I KNOW, was a troubling part of being a FEMALE member. Captains were not accessible ENOUGH for service but were simply shiny standards personified IN PERFECTED OFFICIAL DRESS and with orders to give. I never grew close enough to any captain or sister official of any post enough to tell her what I had suffered. I didnt realise, I WAS COMPETITION in the husband “rush”! I needed to polish my pearls, try to make a living and pray to Allah (I am not being facetious)! They literally offered no support outside of mosque activities, especially for single mothers. We were to go serve and be quiet.
A spirit of indifference is what I encountered when ATTEMPTING to give complaints to Sis.Captains : Adrienne Muhammad, Rita Muhammad, and as I stated before, Heleema Muhammad.
What I didnt realise is that a”separation” was talking place and that was based on CLASS (HOW MUCH MONEY PEOPLE THOUGHT YOU HAD) and prestige. The value of a believer was not only in how much charity they gave but also what car they drove, what kind of purses they carried, even how much makeup they wore! How did this become part of a “program” to “accept our own” when it was a worship of capitalism?? These were my thoughts at the time (I STILL DIDN’T MAKE A CONNECTION AS TO THE TRUE NATURE OF THE ORGANIZATION FOR MANY YEARS)!
STILL, It was all I knew and I was at a point where I was determined to get help with what I suffered in my childhood as well as the conundrum of being alone to deal with such respected abusers.
Lets go back: By 2002, I was a divorcee , single-mom of 4 children (2 girls and 2 boys). I hadn’t finished college and had no support system (because I was “on the outs”with my family). I tried to get back into the music and faced one block after another.I didnt realise I was causing this by my thinking. I simply didn’t have enough faith in my own abilities to push a project. The trouble with popularity and hip-hop is that you need validation to do well. That is because word of mouth RULES hip-hop! I needed to believe in me to engage anyone. Still, I hardly told anyone who I was. Because of my lack of ability (or finances) to push myself BACK into any notoriety, by myself. I stayed on the local job market.
SOMEtime in 2002, I was kidnapped by a pimp who lied and manipulated to get me to take a trip with him to Southern California. A deception that started like any young girl’s fantasy, he told me he never wanted me to need or want anything. He was sensual and romantic. He kissed me and said he loved me. Promises fell like rain from his lips. I was enthralled with him! His wealth and material things were such as wealth I saw with the Farrakhan’s. Wealth wasn’t foreign to me. So I wasn’t looking to sell myself to anyone. I had NO THOUGHT that I WAS INVOLVING MYSELF with one of the most notorious Pimps of Phoenix,Shawn Bailey! http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1872909/posts
During our 5 hour ride, He explained (in full once he took me accross state lines) that I had sex all my life for free, why not get paid for it. I was in a quiet state of terror and figured I better do what he said. Physically trapped and at the same time, tempted by the idea of finally having financial stability, I acquiesced. I accepted HIS TEACHING and turned tricks in the bowels of Southern California for 7 days straight!. Here is a good article on correlations between child abuse, abandonment, and prostitution> https://www.researchgate.net/publication/240430884_Child_Abuse_as_an_Antecedent_to_Prostitutiomn
The mind twist dynamic here is I justified I was doing something strong to change my life, I was lost!
There is a lie I want to address as to my drug use. My drug of choice is (and always has been) MARIJUANA! To detractors, who say that I ever used crack cocaine, you are vicious liars! This lie was used to blackball me and halt my career(guess why)..I digress!
Once I realised the nature of my captivity, I played smart and did what I could to appease Shawn. I KNEW I was experiencing a form of slavery. He pimped me for 12 hours a day. And after a week of it, he beat me in my face as hard as he could for standing up for myself (tyrants don’t like that)! I escaped (on foot as fast as I could) and filed charges against him with LAPD. Unbeknownst to me, they didn’t take. At the time, I was afraid of him, so I didn’t persue the charges.
My children were at my music managers home back in Phoenix. I was devastated..again! When I managed to get back home, Amin was zealous with judgement “you abandoned your children!” he screamed , never asking what happened to me. This was part of lifelong campaign he has held against me which was simply to cover his earlier indiscretions and to gain control of my most precious resource, MY CHILDREN! Due to another jailing (this time for a bad check, I was not and never have been a person of money. And since cps helped me get the house to get my babies back, I didn’t want to lose it) I was arrested while my children were at daycare. This was the beginning of another arduous nightmare! My family unit was put into the CPS child welfare system! This meant I had to follow all of their requirements (caseplan) or face losing my children forever! I garnered all of the discipline I could and followed the caseplan to the letter.I never missed a visit. I dropped clean drug tests weekly (urinalysis) and worked full time. I was able to rent a home accross the street from Louis Farrkhan’s Phoenix home (just happenstance, a brother was renting it out). And I was ready to have my children back. BUT MY PARENTS WEREN’T READY TO GIVE THEM BACK and never returned them to my care. My mother has a history of corrections and had worked in a half-way house, adult probation and held a seat on the Foster Care Review Board. She, instead, WANTED TO MAKE MY HOUSE A HALF-WAY HOUSE! Her “idea” which may have been suggested by her constantly calculating husband. I KNEW it would be a mistake. She was trying to use my ego and desire to help women to keep me from having my own children! SO THEY DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to never respect my motherhood. Cps eventually suggested I give them TEMPORARY GUARDIANSHIP. This they explained was a good measure to help me keep my parental rights (which I never lost!) and to close the cps case. THIS WOULD PROVE TO BE THE WORST DECISION I EVER MADE! My mother used her knowledge of the system to aid in her and her husband’s agenda. She actually ILLEGALLY secured PERMANENT GUARDIANSHIP which I never had the finances to hire a lawyer. It is illegal to gain permanent guardianship when parents have rights intact! To this day I don’t know how she did it. As they x-communicated me from my children. This remained for years with hearings and lies from my parents “she can talk to them at any time” they told the judges. Amin Muhammad was a Captain at Mosque #32 AGAIN at this time of the parental alienation.
In a state of self-abasement, I started going back to the mosque. By this time. I had been a survivor of child abuse. molestation, and now prostitution. As you can imagine, I couldn’t make sense of my life. I was going days not eating. I smoked weed religiously. Peace of mind was far off! But I DIDN’T LOSE FAITH that things would improve for me, somehow. I needed to get my children back! I started to reach out AGAIN to mosque #32 leadership for mediation. I asked Captain Rita Muhammad to set-up a meeting and explained the nature of it. It was held with the following present: Min.Patrick Muhammad, Captain Rita Muhammad, Aminah Muhammad (my mother) and Amin Muhammad (my step-father).
This was my chance(I felt at the time)! Surely I could get something positive out of this..even an admission of guilt and plan to give me my children back(things I felt corrolated)!
During this meeting, he actually admitted to molesting me! However, Patrick Muhammad (the tempermental and troublesome element of the mosque environment at that time…more on that later) just wasn’t that interested in the meeting, at all. This showed in the way he “mediated” the meeting which was light questioning to give my step-father “loopholes” away from any accountability. In light of the fact that Amin was his captain at the time!! I had simply underestimated that he was above law. They actually have a “constitution” as well as a packet “Proper handling of people” by Elijah Muhammad, due to the harsh nature of “believers” experiences behind the walls of these mosques. Amin derailed the meeting after he admitted to the molestation. This angered me so badly, I walked out. However, that admission was taped.
Mosque structure and interpersonal accountability
I wrote Minister Farrakhan three times in my life. I do believe I revealed the molestation in at least one of those letters. I definitely begged him to please send me help with seeing my children. He never did, nor did he respond to ME.
Here is my view as to what COULD have been done within the construct of such a organization that claims to “uplift black men and women”. Farrakhan should and could have had an Atonement Commission (which was promised to the ummah at one time)to visit mosques and COUNCIL believers as to their toughest, relevant problems , OFFERING A CARING EAR WHILE RESPONDING TO THE IMMEDIATE NEED. BUT THEY DON’T DO THAT so in light of what we now know as the 8 steps of Atonement- A KABBALIST CREATION venerating KABBALIST IDEAS, is it another clue that this organization is that of a Masonic nature. THE TRUTH IS THAT FARRAKHAN NEVER ACTUALLY MINISTERED TO US! MY GENERATION HAS BEEN IGNORED! YES, HE DID HAVE A SAVIOURS DAY themed for and centered around the Youth, IT’S JUST BEEN ANOTHER NET TO GRASP MORE MEMBERS.
For 6 months, I was jailed for a probation violation (from that same bad check charge). My sentence was 6 months (5 in solitary confinement) in M.C.S.O. At that time, under the leadership of Sherrif Joe Arpaio. It was arguably the worst , most imhumane jail in the country! This album was what my third eye pushed into this realm upon my release http://www.finalcall.com/artman/publish/Entertainment_News_5/Shahadah_-_A_musical_transformation_4781.shtml It showed me something about myself. That I could do anything I decided to do! Amin saw this as well. Before you say Final Call helped me with the article, don’t jump to conclusions. A member of #32 and Final Call Correspondent, Starla Muhammad, simply wasn’t dead enough to ignore my work and wrote the article. However, she neglected to mention my groundbreaking project “Ghettos Child” which basically HID me from the thousands of fans I had already, previously earned. I was shown thereafter JUST HOW MUCH the structure could support my art. IT APPEARED THAT Persons and People were working hard against me!IT ALSO WAS DURING THIS TIME THAT FARRKHAN BEGAN IMPLEMENTING DIANETICS AND A SWEEPING DECLARATION THAT ALL FOLLOWERS USE IT OR NEVER HOLD A POSITION IN MOSQUE STRUCTURE.IT WAS DURING THIS TIME, THAT I FELT THE HAND OF COINTELPRO GETTING CLOSER…..LET’S TAKE A BREAK.
STAY TUNED FOR PT 2. And conclusion OF “Surviving the Nation Of Islam(why I Left the org)”
Peace and light Family!